I know a mom is a mom, but I have come to the belief that there are many things I have to do differently for the sake of my children when parenting my adopted children. I was wondering if anyone else would care to share:
What are some of the differences that you, as adoptive parents see when parenting a child not biologically born of you?
What are some of the differences that adult adoptees would like to see (or saw growing up) out of their adoptive parents?
please also identify if the adoption was with older children or infant and if there are racial differences between you and your child.
Merci!How do you personally parent your adopted child differently?
If the books ';Lost and Found';, ';Primal Wound'; and ';Twenty Things Adoptive Children Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew'; would have been available when I was a child, I think I would have been a more emotionally secure individual.
I was born in 1965, so child psychology was in it's infancy, and studies/research on the psychological effects adoption had on children were just starting to come to light, so I cannot ';blame'; my parents for how they raised me.
I think MOST a p's know the effects adoption can have on kids, and play an active role in helping them come to tersm with it. For that, I am extremely happy.
I was adopted as an infant. My parents were the same race, but were a different ethnic background. They did not know my background, either.
I think the most important thing is to recognize their loss. Let them know it's ok to be sad and to miss their first family...no matter what the circumstances were surrounding their relinquishment/adoption.
If they show an aptitude for something like athletics, or music, art, etc, acknowledge it. There's nothing wrong with saying, ';Hey- you're really good at drawing, I wonder if other people in your first family are good at that too?'; That really helps, esp is their a p's have no artistic ability at all.
I do think there's a fine line with this, though. I have seen where ap's go waaaay overboard with this. ';Oh, you like peanuts, I bet your f dad liked peanuts, too.'; It may just be because the kid likes peanuts, lol. I dont think ap's should constantly bring it up, but they should at times acknowledge that their child is different.
Never use the ';you're a chosen child'; line. I think regulars here know how insulting that is to a child, and for the most part do not use it, but for newbies who may be reading...we were NOT chosen. We were the next child on the list. To say we were ';chosen'; by our a families implies that we were ';unchosen'; by our first families.
Never use the term ';destiny'; with adoption. ';You were destined to be our child..'; Our destinies were screwed the day we were born. Adoptees do not like the destiny word, because for many of us, our ';destiny'; is now full of pain.
Dont feel bad when we decide to search. Finding our first family has NOTHING to do with our love for our a parents. It has to do with us.How do you personally parent your adopted child differently?
The things I do and plan to do are...
- discuss adoption openly and honestly, including the negative parts.
- make sure my daughter has friend and role models from her ethnic background - she is mixed race black/white. I'm white and my husband is Indian so she doesn't ';look different'; than us, but I want her to know her background and embrace it.
- look for signs that she's struggling emotionally with the loss of her first mother, and do what I can to help
- facilitate her getting in touch with her first mother when she is ready (that is the first mom's request, so we don't have ongoing contact).
I can't think of anything else right now that is different because of adoption (she was an infant).
This is a very good question, and thank you for posting it. Maybe some AP's will actually learn and listen to what adoptees have to say.
I basically think that adoptees need to have their reality in their day to day life. Pretending there is no other family, and there is not pain with that loss is a disservice to everyone.
My son was born in Guatemala, so I have incorporated much of the Latino culture in my home. If I had biological children, I would not have that culture be so important to me.
Well, my first reaction is that I don't do anything different. But I realized that there are things to mention.
It's not that I do anything different, but rather that I have to do more! I make sure my children know about their birth culture. And of course, we have always had to make sure their is open communication about their adoption.
As my kids get older, this all gets harder. They want to forget all about this stuff, and in some ways, I suppose I would rather do so, too. But it's important not to just sweep it al under the rug, but allow it to come out naturally, and to bring it up in appropriate settings.
So we still celebrate their adoption days, even though, these days, the kids just want to go out to a special dinner and invite a friend along. Okay, so we don't talk much about their adoption on those days, but at least the day is marked, which keeps it still all open for them to talk about it if they want to. For example, this year, my younger daughter raised all kinds of questions about her birth mother in the week leading up to her adoption day. It wasn't something I brought up, but having the day marked brought these questions to the fore front.
And we still try to stay involved with cultural groups connected to their birth culture, even though the kids always complain before hand. Afterwards, though, they are glad they went. I don't like pushing them, but it usually turns out that this was the right thing to do! Hard to know sometimes!
But in all other ways, there is no difference at all. I don't feel in any way different with them than I could imaging being with my birth children, and they are just the same with me as I think any child born to me would be - alternately delightful, charming, and annoying in turns, LOL!
And, to fully answer the question above - both my kids were older infants when I adopted them (each of them was just under 1 year old) and both of them are of a different race then me and my husband.
Hi Opedial,
I personally parent my children through adoption much different than my children born of my body.
There are racial differences so we do as much as we can to incorporate their culture and heritage. We feel it is vital in establishing a positive self image.
*I try to be aware of mimicking. I know some degree of mimicking is normal for kids but I want my children through adoption to be themselves. No matter how different. We celebrate unquieness.
*I try to be more tolerant and understanding of different behavior. Sometimes i just don't get why my kids are acting the way they do. If we have a sit down and they explain themselves, it usually makes sense. I thank them for educating me on different ways of thinking.
*I worry about quite time. Is there something bothering them about adoption? Is there something they are scared to ask? When i notice it, they get quite alone time with Mom. We cuddle and talk. I remind them they are safe and can tell me anything.
*Security. The bio kids are like la la la.....not a care in the world. The children through adoption, worry. When i see that worried little look, i snatch them up in my arms.
*Reassurance. The question of whether we will leave them. Again bio kids, I don't think it ever enters their minds.
*Acting out. I believe it is common for the children to work out their feelings on their adoptive mother. Again I am more patient, understanding and compassionate to negative behavior directed at me. I make sure we talk it out. I would NOT be so tolerant with the bio kids.
Those are the biggies that currently come to mind.
I have three adopted siblings- a 12 year old girl and 6 year old boy/girl twins.
With the 6 year olds, we've had them since they were two weeks old. Their mother was in jail at the time they were born and is a druggie and alcoholic. They're both aware that they're adopted but don't feel any different about it as we've always treated them exactly the same as the rest of us kids.
The 12 year old is a different situation. She lived in a very abusive household for nine years with a terrible father who beat and starved her and a mother who took heroin. She came to us just after her ninth birthday and we had to treat her different in order to gain her trust. We had to take it really slowly and be so patient with her. But now that she's just another one of the family, she's treated exactly the same as the rest of us.
The trick to being a good adoptive parent is to treat the adopted kids exactly the same as you would your own biological children. They have already been given up by their own parents, they don't need to feel more different.
You are right. 99% of the time, a mom is a mom.
The other % is when you are open about how your family was formed, so that your children are comfortable with adoption. They need to see other families that were formed the same way. They need to feel secure that you will always be open and let them talk about adoption any time they want. They will have questions about why their birth parents made the adoption decision and may bring up feelings of abandonment. How you deal with this is important.
They need to know, if the adoption was not open, that you will assist any link with the adoption registry when the time comes, so that they can meet their birth parents if all parties choose to do so. You cannot dishonor the birth parents. They made a heroic decision, and they trusted you with their, and your, most precious children.
If your children are of a different race, they need to develop a certain racial and cultural identity that, in fact, becomes part of the identity of your family, which is now a multiracial family. It isn't just for them, it's for the entire family now. And if you have a child that has hair different than yours, you need to learn how to take care of it.
Your children should grow up feeling beautiful and handsome and smart and loved and no different than birth children. Your expectations should be the same for all your kids.
You should NEVER say, this is my adopted child. This is MY child. I will walk through fire for this child and for every child in my home.
Children of races different than yours need to be equipped with ways to address the comments and questions about why the parents and children in the family don't look alike. Parents need to be sensitive to the needs, wishes, and changing desires of the children, including not wanting to be in a position where these kinds of questions are asked.
And not wanting to be in a position where they have to tell people about a culture that they did not grow up within. They should not have to represent a country or race.
Adoption is a wonderful thing. It brings joy to so many people and opens the world to both children and parents.
I go out of my way to reassure and support both of my children about who they are. One is bio and one is adopted. I think adoptive parents have to make an extra effort in supporting the uniqueness in their children with out making them feel ';different.'; My friend who is adopted is an incredible coach--she told me something that sticks in my head about being adopted--there is just a part of being adopted that way deep inside that adoptive parents just have to acknowledge--their kids are always going to have those moments they will feel like ';sitting on the outside looking in';--and I've always had that in the back of my head when I think about my little guy that sometimes I just can't fix that and just have to support and talk to them about what they are feeling. Does that make sense? I don't want the phrase misintepreted by anyone with an agenda.
One item that stands out is educating my children about how to appropriately interact with adoption uneducated outsiders and the questions and comments they may face.
